Inherent Trust

     If you live long enough, you will encounter a person or a situation that will skew or completely diminish your ability to trust completely, fully, and unabashedly. We become experts at placing masks and veils over ourselves to protect and shield us from getting hurt or appearing too vulnerable. Sure, for awhile we believe we are strong; we are better; we are safe; we are wiser - only to be completely ignorant to what true freedom and serenity is all about. Something that our own logic and reasoning and justifications will rarely lead us to - gaining life and freedom is essentially to die to oneself and surrender to the One who gave you life in the first place. Well what does that mean? Scripture tells us that "our lives are hidden in Christ." Until we find Christ, accept Him, and live by faith in Him, our lives and purpose will continue to be an impalpable mystery that is available for us to see, but will not ever really quite SEE  until we are in Him. As we grow to learn about Christ's nature and how much God truly loves us and has always loved us, we begin to respond to the inherent trust that God placed in each of us but we either place it in idols that only lead to the dismantling of its original purpose OR we place God in human terms where we believe He cannot be trusted because of how humans fail us daily. "God is not a man, that He shall lie" (Numbers 23:19). What God says He is, will do. and be is true. We have to daily remind ourselves that His ways will not always look the way we believe they should, but when we look back and look at our triumphs (despite the rocky soil they were planted in), God has and is faithful. What struggle or challenge has not produced greater character within us? What obstacle have we met that has not taught us more about our capabilities? What hurtful situation has not opened a door for new opportunity, new life, or new hope? It is this ongoing principle that reveals that we can and must trust God to be God (Lord and Ruler) of our lives so that we can fully surrender to the unique life He has for each one of us.
   In a short story by Christine Hibbard, she delineates the day she "died" and the life she gained. She went on a river-rafting trip with friends and her boat was suddenly hit by a wave of white water. As she was quickly thrown off the boat, the waves were thundering and hovering over her and she states that she was reminded to "surrender to the flow of the river if tossed overboard." She then states:

     "At that moment, I realized I was going to die. A small voice inside of me said it would be okay to die and become a part of this river rather than apart from it and the process. And that's when I experienced true surrender - the last thing I remember feeling was the great peace of not having to struggle anymore."

     First, let me say how this is another example of God's mercy, faithfulness, and voice to his children. God is forever pursuing us to see His great truths and love in our everyday circumstances - big and small. Though it appeared to be a moment about physical life and death, it galvanized her inner resolve to face life in the very same manner (once she was rescued of course back to the boat:). She learned to "die" to fear, uncertainty, and rebellion and responded to the inherent trust in God's plan and will for her life and that "everything really will be okay." Through constant prayer and relationship with God, she progressively learned to surrender her trust in Him and that our futures are secure in Him when we follow after Him.

     "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and the gospel will save it." Mark 8:35

Highway Thinking

     Driving down 495 today, I zone out to Mali Music’s song, “Higher.” Shifting from lane to lane going about 75 miles an hour (don’t judge me) I realize why I enjoy driving on highways vs public streets or any road with lights. I enjoy the continuous and uninterrupted flow of driving - no braking, few pauses - as if my car is gliding across the way. However, when lights are involved, I’m forced to stop and start again, or slow down once my rhythm is reached and it interrupts what feels like my regularly scheduled program. Then I pondered about how I carry this same thinking and expectation into my walk and journey through life. How much road rage do I encounter every time I have to stop what I’m doing because God wants to detour my navigation to either turn here, slow, down, or just stop altogether. There are times when the melodious high of vibing to your favorite songs and feeling the kiss of the wind come to a halt, and you must embrace the traffic jams of life that call for your patience, your reflections, your focus. There are times when all you can do is wait and be patient for the traffic to move. Or when you come to a light - a word of truth, revelation, direction, or His presence - stop and listen to what He’s trying to show you in the wait. I thank my God that He doesn’t keep me on a beltway mode of thinking and that He brings me to places of rest and reflection. I pray to have eyes that continually see and ears to always hear, and a heart that is forever thankful. Teach me more how to rest in you…

I Am Who He Says I Am

     A few years ago, I read such a mind and heart transforming book: The 5 Love Languages written by Gary Chapman. Essentially, he discussed that we all have a primary love language and that if that language is not met or not spoken, then our “love tank” is thus empty. Simultaneously, this also defies the aphorism that we should treat people how we want to be treated. According to this book, this is why those we love do not always feel our intended love because we treat them based upon how WE want to be treated and loved. For example, I learned that my primary love language is Words of Affirmation; this means that I feel loved when I am verbally poured into, affirmed, and edified (this is not at all surprising since I am such a word whore:) Needless to say, when I call myself loving someone by speaking life into them and trying to build their self-esteem, it does not mean that person will respond or receive that love if their primary language is different, say like Physical Touch. If I’m trying to love on them with words and they’re trying to love on me with hugs and kisses, then there’s a language barrier. If only the world would actually apply this thinking which is based upon a humble and sacrificial mentality: have a daily intent to serve and love others based upon how the other feels loved and in turn if others are doing the same, everyone’s love tank would remain full. Where am I going with this? 

Do I Show Him I Am Ready to Receive?

       A few years ago, I walked away from much familiarity and into a place unknown to me - outside my comfort zone. From that moment began a journey initially encompassing doubt, fear, and pain but has now yielded an abundance of love, joy, peace, wholeness, and the list goes on. I had no clue how that one decision was not only a springboard that catapulted me even deeper into God’s word, but landed me right smack in my purpose for living. Although it was the most challenging time of my life thus far, it has ironically produced the most rewarding and exciting time thus far. As I reflect on my “daily dose,” found in Psalms 84:11 which reads: “For the Lord God is a sun and shield, The Lord will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold From those who walk uprightly,” I completely see without blinders why certain things I thought I was ready for did not come. I had to delve deeper into this scripture that reveals who God longs to be which is “a sun and shield.” When I break down this meaning of “sun” and shield,” this means God longs to be a radiant light, an object of worship in addition to being a barrier and protection to me. When I choose to not dwell and live a life in Him, I cannot reflect His light, let alone even see it. Additionally, we tend to also forget that His grace is sufficient for our every weakness so when I struggle, his grace and glory longs to clothe me if I am willing to wear it. Lastly (and here’s where the light bulb really came on), when something is truly I mean genuinely good for me, He will not withhold it as long as I walk UPRIGHTLY. When I first read this scripture, I assumed it dealt solely and completely with being just and displaying rectitude. However, the Hebrew usage of this word in this passage translates as “what is complete or entirely in accord with truth; whole, entire, sound.” When we are broken or incomplete in Christ, He cannot entirely release all that we ask for even when it is good for us because we are not in the right place or position to receive it. If God gave you such a financial increase, yet you are not displaying consistent stewardship over the money you have now, how can He release more into your hands? How can he give you the new career you long for if you are not completing what He asks of you in the position you are in now? How can He release the person you desire to you if you are not whole or complete in a way that is sound and in accord with His truth? For me, this spoke rivers. I understand how in essence, God protected me from myself by withholding some of my deepest desires because I would not do them justice to the capacity I know I want to and what He wants me to as well. So we must reflect on what we are asking God to give and whether we are ready to receive.

Who I Am from His Vantage Point

       How many years did I spend walking around and making decisions in darkness? There were times when ignorance was indeed bliss, aimless walking felt liberating, and blowing where the wind blew seemed invigorating. However, I got to a point where those steps in darkness created endless circles and I wondered how did I end up there, here, and over there. 

       As women, we long to be captivated, wooed, and adored - it’s how we, for those who are willing to admit it, are deeply wired. Part of Eve’s role was to be Adam’s “helpmate” and “a crown to her husband.” Therefore, if there is a desire to “help” or serve, there is a longing that we wish and desire to fulfill. You might ask, “Well how is that connected to wanting to be captivated and adored?” Well, captivated in essence means to attract and hold the attention of, by beauty or by excellence. So whether it’s providing beauty from outside or within, whether it’s committing acts of service and deeds, whether it’s providing affection and love - it all stems from that longing to fulfill someone’s desire. Typically, we are driven to serve or provide this beauty or excellence to men. As many psychologists have stated, one’s initial connection (or lack thereof) with the opposite sex creates our comfort level, association, and viewpoint with how we later interact with the opposite sex - particularly romantically. As I stated in the first post, I have often observed (as our society does too) how fatherless daughters are “in search for love in all the wrong places” or “never knew love because [their] father wasn’t around, or ”[they] didn’t understand how a man should treat [them] so [they] just accepted (fill in the blank).“ I grew up with the best man I have ever known on this earth: my father. There are no words to describe his presence that still permeates my life as I carry [him] in my heart (I love E.E Cummings by the way). So, most would assume that having a great father couldn’t possibly have any heartbreaking effects, let alone a distanced father/daughter relationship - the other mark on the spectrum…what a major misconception.

       Although I have a mother, who I have a greater respect and love for today than I did growing up, I pretty much was my daddy’s shadow growing up. When I was scared at night, I crawled on his side of the bed, not my mother’s. When he left to run errands, I went with him. I would not fall asleep without lying on his chest as a little girl to hear his heart beat. As I became an adult, he became my biggest cheerleader. With all that said, it’s safe to say this is all I knew and subconsciously assumed this same adoration, this same faithfulness, this same support is what I could expect from men. No, these are not wrong desires to have from a mate, however, when these expectations are not met exactly the way we like, our happiness and joy is thwarted - hence the unfair aspect. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had wonderful and meaningful relationships with upstanding, decent men; however, none of them had a standing chance because of my expectations and perception of love.

     Now that my father is no longer here on earth, I had to figure out how to navigate through life without my only sense of a father. I naturally felt fatherless, directionless, and (dare I say) pointless. Who and what am I without my father and his love for me? Who was I to make smile the way my father smiled at me? Who was I going to make proud of with every new goal I reached? These on top of endless other questions consumed my being for the longest. But, I surrendered everything I ever knew to God and let him piece my life, my love, my being back together. So how do the daddy’s girl’s, abandoned girls, and distanced girls all share a sense of "Daddy Woes?” We all must lay an eternal foundation of knowing WHO we are and WHOSE we truly are first.

Children of the Most High

Psalm 82:5-6

“They do not know, nor do they understand;

They walk about in darkness;

All the foundations of the earth are unstable.

I said, ‘You are gods, And all of you are [daughters] of the most High.’”