What's in Your Seat?

Psalm 139:23-24
"Search me, oh God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Vulnerability - something humanity has historically avoided at all costs. Typically when discussing relationships and we are asked, “why don’t you just tell him how you feel,” or “why don’t you like crying,” many people at various stages of life will reply with, “I don’t want (fill in name) to see me all vulnerable.” Is it no wonder that when we examine the denotation of this word that we can’t help to connotatively repudiate all contact with any and all situations, circumstances, and conversations that will force us to be VULNERABLE? The root, vulnerare, means “to wound, hurt, injure, maim.” Surely, we understand why our fleshly, natural inclination upon hearing this word and its associations cause us to repel against anything that will cut us or bring harm.

Growing up I lived in a household where it seemed the family mantra or mission statement was “What goes on in this house, stays in this house.” Yes, some things should be kept within the confines of the intimacy of family and safety. But in my house, it seemed EVERYTHING was to stay in the household - particularly situations that called for emotional help, understanding, depressing thoughts, arguments, and conflict resolution. This had no choice but to develop defense mechanisms, walls, apathy, and overall reliance on working through issues independently.

I ultimately reached a place in my life where although I had loving and decent relationships, I rarely allowed people to get really close to me. I was afraid to let anyone in because I feared them getting to know me and how my upbringing made me feel weird. I grew accustomed to entertaining people for the sake of looking at them to fill whatever connection I desired at the moment: humor, intellectual interludes, adventurous experiences, song lyrics, or simply ego filling. It was not until I reached adulthood (rather mid 20’s) where God imprinted on my heart that I was running and avoiding. I no longer could ignore this heavy nudge that the more I sought out intimacy from a need for deep connection and affection, the more I was deviating from what true intimacy stems from: vulnerability.

Apprehending vulnerability from the lens of man - natural state, appearances, surface level - will never lead to authentic transparency. We’re reminded in 1 Samuel 16:9 that “God does not see as man sees. For man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” Though this reference is where God reminds Samuel of how we look at people on the outside - their hair, stature, clothing, title, and the like - God is not concerned with make-up. He is always after our hearts; therefore, God’s lens of seeing us is through an eye of LOVE.

God was telling me through this conflicted emotion that I will never understand the fulfillment of any kind of intimacy unless I allow myself to be vulnerable through His loving eyes. Let’s look at the scripture.

To “search” means to “dig deep.” Now if someone who is out to harm you, or reveal your insecurities from an unloving place, then yes, this causes a wound or harm. Someone who is absent of love will expose you openly because they don’t have righteous motivation or intention. But everything about God is love. Our view of God determines how we feel when He looks at us. Frankly, this is true for anyone. God looks at us with a confident love. He made us with such love, adoration, purpose, and wonder despite already knowing our frailty, shortcomings and future sin. So His cutting into man allows our deep layers to come to light. Layers of depression, molestation, promiscuity, dishonesty, masturbation, relationship idols and so on - all of these things crowd and permeate our heart: the center  or "seat" of our being. Our hearts or our soul combine our mind, will, and emotions. Many have referred to the heart as the seat. Things sit, and dwell there. Our thoughts are the workshop in which we ponder ideas, and once they grow, they flow and enter to the heart - whether good or bad, beneficial or harmful, life or death. So David is basically asking God to search him because He trusts in WHO God is to search him out and know his heart. He wants God to discern and investigate all of what is in his heart.

He then asks God to “try [him]” and now investigate his thoughts. Now at one point, I would be like man do I really want to confess and let God in on the thoughts that really go through my mind in a day? But the irony here is that God already knows our thoughts, but our humility and submission says, “God you already know, but my ability to confess and acknowledge what you want me to see about these thoughts is what you’re after. You want to shed your light of love to pull me and restore me to a way of everlasting, life, liberty, joy.”

Now ask yourself: What’s in your seat? What multitude of harboring thoughts have now reached and flooded your heart that may need to be cut out? What resides in your heart that is keeping you from being VULNERABLE to God?